Tuesday, March 20, 2007

*doing it wrong*

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i'm going through mood swings again. it sucks.
i was feeling fantastic this morning, then i turned blue. then great again. then i learned i was "cut" from the next edition of the party i usually do, but i know it's cuz i'm getting surgery soon. i'm pms'ing as well, and i feel guilty. very guilty. i did something to myself to hurt Him because i was so devastated... and now i just can't tell Him.
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i took these photos a while ago. for those who have little or no idea of what it is like, this is what it is to be a hypomaniac cyclothymic bipolar.
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"enjoy":


















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i hate feeling shitty with touched up roots. so much for my hair.
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ok, editing so i try to be more optimistic.
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last friday was the performance. i made pasties for the outfit, and i am proud of the result. i may make money with that, i guess. as for the show, it went well, although i missed my cue and couldn't find the stage exit for like 30 seconds, that being only in my undies. sweet.

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saturday i worked, and Master and i had lunch at a lovely italian restaurant. We watched "idiocracy" at night, at His mother's, and after went out for some beers. We both fell asleep a bit during the show. :P

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Sunday started out well. Just the other day Master told me He loves me and i had been floating on a big fat white cloud ever since. We slept in, did "it", then picked up His daughter and went to the japanese quarter. Nice, i bought new makeup and a great pair of new earphones, had sashimi and sushi (yum yum), and all that. But Master snapped when we were returning, both at me and the girl, and it was ugly. so i went and did something stupid, but then things were ok, so now i feel even more stupid.
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On monday my "boss" gave me a purse, because it looked a lot like me. she is sweet. i always get exhausted on mondays, classes, and tending the house. by the end of the day, everything was clean and in place. and i even cooked dinner.
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today was ok, despite the mood swings. i had an extra class, and worked out. i feel fat and ugly. its probably just pms, or everyone else is blind.
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i don't know what will happen when the shit hits the fan. i hope it doesnt. i feel bad enough already.
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shit.
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list moment.
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things getting me down:
- feeling ugly and fat
- looking fat
- not having time or energy to make new clothes
- not being able to buy books on burlesque cuz the freaking shipping costs more than the books themselves
- doing something really stupid
- not being an SG (and having to wait till april for the next try)
- this painful varicose vain (which i will get surgery for)
- bad eating habits (as in eating once a day, almost every day)
- not having any performances booked.
- not taking dance classes (i'm waiting for that surgery to start those)
- being out of college and seeing my old classmates near graduation, while i'm still stuck to teaching english
- a big ugly bruise on my arm from the endoscopy's sedative.
- being myself.
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i really should count my blessings. but...
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i'm too
poor spirited to do so?
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