*the best damn thing*

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is waking up terrified. and finding comfort in the arms of someone you know will always keep you safe.
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i had dreams about the incident on monday night. bad dreams. Maybe it was a gun. i have a physical thing with guns. When i am near one i feel warm on the left side of my ribs. Always. i've been near enough guns to know. Well, it's over. But it's scary. And i was wearing my slave jewels and it's not like i'm one of those people who can walk by unnoticed. My ex used to point that out to me all the time, as a bad thing. i call too much attention to myself. i remembered more things about monday night. it's over. But i'm still shaking. i've been through too much in the past.
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Speaking of the past, i'm currently obsessed with my old blog: http://ms_sweetie.blogspot.com .... i was 20, and so... optimistic. i read and read again the post from that last episode. Yeah, sometimes we are seethru.
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i want to take photos today. Fuck those bandages. Fuck that i feel like Mumm-Ra everytime i look down. argh!
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at least i can walk today. 5 minutes per hour, says the paper the doctor gave me. 5 fucking minutes! And today is one of those days i feel like dancing and jumping around. if it weren't for this awful fear nestled inside...
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pause... ok. now i feel better. a baby wipe bath because i cannot wet my bandages. Tomorrow i can remove them. At last.
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Master is staying home today. He worked from home yesterday as well. He is the sweetest. He brought me a Mac lunch and made me instant Ramen noodles for dinner. sweet!!! And i stayed online most of the time. Ok, i slept too. And watched Totoro. Its super cute! i had fruit cuz all the junk food and chocolate had me feeling strange. i'll try to eat more fruit today.
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Last night we watched the Tv series of Lupin III. Strange, to say the least.
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since all i can do is write, this is gonna be one super long post.
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about sunday... all the darkness in me. Did it vanish? Not really. Actually, it's been in me for a while. 12 years...
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the episode on monday didn't do me any good either. But i will manage to push it back to the part of me filled with darkness. i have a black hole in there, somewhere, haven't you heard? It's like necrotic tissue, it's a dark space filled of the sweet aroma of rotten flesh, it's a cancer that spreads, slowly. Very slowly. Unstoppable.
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saturday it took over. i was shaking. i got lost in that space. i couldn't care less. Sometimes i care. Most of the time i don't. Having a gun pointed at me kind of made that point. It would hurt, it would. Other than that, sometimes my plans are important. My dancing, my designs. College (which now seems more and more like some distant dream). Sometimes they mean nothing. i can see how little i matter, how little we all matter. And i don't care. And i want to give up.
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i was going to. sunday. then... then He asked me if i had given up already, and i didn't know what to think. He told me to get dressed, we were going out. So i did, and i even tried a bit. i put make-up on. He put my butt-plug in, He kissed me and held me. These days... i hang on only for others.
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so for now, i won't call it quits. and we went out, to Mercado Mundo Mix, then to Liberdade. We did some shopping, ate, had icecream. Cuddled. He can be sweet, yes He can. Even though He is just a man. We all are "just" something. These days, conceided people have really annoyed me. But on the other hand, i also feel glad when i feel more than "just".
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well... nearly half of today is gone. i feel good today, but i wish i could do things. i grow easily used to things. So i may get used to being this layed back (literally). i fear that next module i may get less groups, i fear not being able to go to college... i fear. and now i fear coming home at night from work.
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i fear doing a shitty performance next friday. i will see the doctor on wednesday. No matter what, i will do it! Even if the entire thing is laying down. But... but that gives me a couple days to figure out props and clothes. Not to mention i feel awful. Damn! Help, someone? Anyone?
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And now? i want to take photos... but i can't do it alone. Maybe i'll photoshop. i have so many unedited photos from the last trip. Maybe more anime... Maybe "studying" pin-ups. Maybe i'll just sleep again.
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Maybe i'll try to find where i lost the happy self-assured conceided me.
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soundtrack for the day: The best damn thing - Avril Lavigne, Discography - Relient K, Neon Bible - Arcade Fire.
eating: chocolate, chocolate, chocolate!
wearing: something to make me feel less like Mumm-Ra, frilly torquoise undies, and a lacy white top.
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