Monday, April 9, 2007

*don't kill the messenger*

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you know when something silly happens at work and you get home and you really need a hug? now is that time.
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god, it was awful. i have been an english teacher for 12 years now, and never ever before had i faced anything like it. People generally are civilized. Ladies are usually nice (well, 3 weeks out of 4 that is). i felt my stomach turning and twisting, i felt every broken bone or scar itch, i felt tears coming to my eyes (i held those in). and it was so fucking silly.
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but here i am relieved after a class where one could cut the air with a knife, geting my fix of emo music and anticipating the chocolate and gummy bears i will have in a few minutes. i need them right now. and looking at naked girls. Master is still on His way home from work. damn, i need a hug! (hugs the pillow)
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this is what happened: the class calender at the school i teach is all confused because of the number of holidays during this module. So to assure that the saturday and weekly groups keep in the same pace (two saturday holidays in one month), there are a lot of extra classes and the review is out of order as well. Ok. Most students don't mind.
And i really like this group. Two beautiful ladies, one kind of not so bright student (that makes my day when he gets the point), one fun-to-speak-to fellow, and the turist. i know i (REALLY) suck at explaining grammar, so i try to make them feel more confident even when i am not. well, the beautiful lady nº 2 threw a fit about the schedule. She said she would not be patronized or treated like a child regarding schedule changes, then acted like one, not speaking or doing the exercise. For 15 minutes i could hardly breath while i tried to move on with the class. Then she got up and walked out the door. The rest of the class was pretty tense because the exercise was a bitch itself. But mostly because of the vibe that miss had instilled into it.
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i have no idea of how next class will be, but the thought of it makes me nervous. So even though things are still a bit messy around here, i'll take a hot shower first and slip into clean fresh PJ's. And my anal plug, because i know Master will like to find that in when He arrives.
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Although i am so anal about certain things these days that it isn't really necessary. Alas...
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i feel incredibly old and tired now. Must wear something pink and play videogame, before it sticks to me.


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speaking of old, i went out looking for anti-age serums this morning. Ouch, the price of the good stuff. i must build the nerve to put that kind of money into 30 ml of vitamin c serum. But i am very unhappy with my skin right now. So i'll probably end up buying it. Or saving up to get the new moisturizing injections (R$600, for one shot. Lasts up to 6 months.). Dunno. my body is like never before, my breasts and ass are smaller, i am slimmer and more fragile, i am not used to what i look like right now. i am very confused regarding my self-image. The result? My eating disorder is back, full force.
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and not only am i the burdening type of person who takes, takes, takes, and no love is ever enough, but i must be cheered on. i MUST. my means are by no mean enough. i must have someone stimulating, cheering, pushing me at times. i don't have anyone. Master doesn't care about my eating problems, as long as i am up and at it. Kind of makes me sad, but i cannot expect Him to take that (HER) place. ever. He is not Her, that i must accept.
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i feel very lost and small as well. i will go cry in the shower right now.
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(emo.)
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nothing other than that happened of notice today. tomorrow i have my health insurance appointment for my leg surgery. everything must go fine... i really need this, i need to dance again so fucking much... and then maybe i will go by this tattoo parlor. i hope.
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the other thing being put on hold because of the surgery is my next attempt at being an SG. i think i understand a lot more about it now. and i want it even more. so fucking very much...
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one more shot. "I'm casually obsessed and I've forgiven death,I am indifferent, yet (I am a total wreck)I'm every cliche, but I simply do it best.
I went to sleep a poet, and I woke up a fraud,To calm your nerves I'm feeling for my clothes in the dark.Which came first, the music or the misery?We're high-fashion, we're last chances."
(the music or the misery - fall out boy)
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i have to believe i'm special, you know?
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