*Feeling average. But never an average feeling*

*
Its been a tiring weekend and fattening sunday. And i feel awfully average.
...



"Sooooooooooooooooooooooo
Everything is average nowadays
Everything is average nowadays
Everyone would do it if they can
And everything is going down the pan
And everyone is following the craze
And everything is average nowadays"
...
Thursday to Friday. Insomnia. 1 hour of sleep. Working out, rehearsal. Meetings, work. And work...

A french maid candy girl and a cartoon version of Marilyn.



And dropping by for some birthday wishes.
...
Friday to Saturday. 1 hour of sleep. Late for work, again.
Putting off the new tattoo. Dance class. Feeling like i am making a bit of progress (in other words, not looking so stupid) at Belly Dance. Putting things in place. Work. Looking for new clothes and hating everything i see. Feet that hurt. Finally, a shower. Obsessing on Marilyn's music videos, and another hour of sleep. One hour of make-up, one hour to curl my hair. Again. Tight-lacing. Driving, drinking, dancing. Feet that hurt. A lot.

Dancing:


(yes, i WAS doing the mashed potato)

The club was half-empty but the compliments on my dancing gave me a bit of a boost. Wearing my self-made experiments on lingerie to a gig was interesting as well. Late night/early morning junk food. And arriving home at 7 am.





Thirst:

...
Did i mention feet that hurt?




...
Sunday morning sex... Fred Astaire... Spending an hour trying to remove the eye putty i use to glue my fake lashes. A very long hot shower. Shampoo. Chocolate scents. Moisturizers, perfumes, lotions. Leave-in, pommade, bobbing pins, blow dryer.Ice coffee. Spooning. Granny clothes. A lot of food. Talking about food. And the computer to keep me company because He is sleeping elsewhere tonight.

...
My hair has faded into a silvery pink. And because i must be blond again in a couple weeks (but only for a day) i think i should give it a rest for now.
...
And no more gigs scheduled till december. Yes, you know very well how that makes me feel. But things happen. This weekend happened.
*


*
You know when you have the lingering impression there is something really big, important and obvious you haven't noticed/have forgotten?
...
Maybe it's just PMS. And the knowledge that my former class mates are half way through college. And i have a far way to go still if i want to be a "real" person, whatever that is (although it mostly means someone with a degree).
...
current obssessions:
- curling, waving and bobbing my hair.
- planning xmas
- Marilyn Monroe
- my hair
- fake eyelashes
- metaphysics
- thoughts of new ink
- plans of ballet classes.
- plans.
...
What i do know is how i feel. Afraid. Terribly afraid. And insecure. Almost as if in panic. How can i fear something i know nothing of? All i do know is that here is fear. This bad feeling. The teary-eye, the empty silence, the painful moments alone.
...
At times like this, i wish the inevitable would be over soon so life can move on. After all, the only thing that is worse than Pain is expecting it.
...
At the same time, i do feel loved. i feel cared for, as a treasured possession. As lovely, adorable, wanted and cared for as any other of His toys.
...
i believe this will be a bumpy week. So as usual, i'll keep myself at a level of busy a knotch over recomendable, to be sure. Or not.
...
Mmm... monday. Good luck facing the world in the morning.
...
And maybe tomorrow i will find the right words to vomit. Or maybe i'll schedule that long overdue appointment, and get a correct diagnosis.
...
Who needs a purpose or a mission when they have a diagnosis and a spooful of sugar to help the medicine go down?


*

"Mas eu, em cuja alma se refletem
As forças todas do universo,
Em cuja reflexão emotiva e sacudida
Minuto a minuto, emoção a emoção,
Coisas antagônicas e absurdas se sucedem —
Eu o foco inútil de todas as realidades,
Eu o fantasma nascido de todas as sensações,
Eu o abstrato, eu o projetado no écran,
Eu a mulher legítima e triste do Conjunto
Eu sofro ser eu através disto tudo como ter sede sem ser de água."

Álvaro de Campos

*



mood: bittersweet. Still awake and sleepless. And afraid.
*