*cough cough (Dammit Janet!)*

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(grabs cough syrup)
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So kids, whats new?
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i'm coughing up a storm here, and as we all know that when it rains, it pours, lets make the long story short...
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(am i making any sense?)
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So, lately i've:


watched: speed racer (i'm going Trixie on my hair tomorrow morning), ironman, indiana jones, Babes in Arms, Rocky Horror Picture Show

looking forward to: Prince Caspian, Tap-dance specatcle at the theatre.


really looking forward to: everything that goes on after my MRI. Which i will schedule tomorrow, and probably will be next week. Then i can get my lip re-pierced. And i got my next tat scheduled. Its the very first drawing i ever coveted on my skin, and i've wanted it for over 13 years. And the Mister will get His first ink on the same day, at the same studio. Yay!

extra extra!: singing classes - next friday? Hopefully, if i have my voice back by then.

hair color: cherry red. and bright!

inspiration: babes in arms. Though i'm a bit past the age.


"Oh, we're only kids now, but someday we're gonna be the guys that make ya laugh and cry and think that there's a little stardust left on life's dirty old pan."

"When your shows a flop, you'll find you can't eat glamour for breakfast"
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Been alone the past couple days. But the Mister was home for almost two weeks, which means everything is a mess. And just my luck, that i got sick just when i was about to clean up. You don't suppose it's psychossomatic?
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And i'm still putting on weight. When will the binging stop? Fuck these compulsions...
. Now let me let you into a little secret... Wonder where i've really been? i've been busy, saving all worlds... Yes sirree, i spent 9 hours on Tuesday playing Super Paper Mario, sitting on the floor. Guess that explains why my ass hurts.
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What's playing? Come on, lets do the Time Warp, again...
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Tomorrow will be a long day... i got medical exams, a hair cut, shopping and a photo shoot ahead. And a casting test on Saturday.
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Breathing is an interesting challenge when you're orifices are all clogged up.
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Keep your eyes peeled... There will be a hell lot of pretty ladies around here the end of June.
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Oh lord, Spice Girls! i mean, the lady is a Vamp!
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And ginger and lime, please.
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And with that, i end the nonsense with some photos:

Photoshoot for (new and very talented) Jewelry Designer:

Some more from the last time i performed... March... Seems so long ago. Well, Luxúria. And i'm actually starting to miss being a blond.

And a few from February... i've gained 6 kg since, how... dunno, embarassing? i felt better back then. Damn, i miss dancing. Well, less than 50 days now.

if i just could stop eating so damn much...

photoshop clean:

muah!

And as i told you, tomorrow, my ass!

Sassy lil' red head, eh? (i just came to realize May 2008 saw me through 4 different hair colours. Yeah, baby, yeah!)

Meh. Have an ass-tastic weekend.
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Mood: a-a-a-a... atchim!

Now playing: Naked and Famous - Presidents of the Usa

"God bless Lili St. Cyr!"
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can you tell i'm not a morning person?

actually, it gets better after the music starts.
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*yet another existencial crisis - beware of rant!*

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i've been procrastinating an update forever. i wanted to write something upbeat and inspirational, and was waiting to tell you all how wonderful my life is and how great i feel.

Yes, perhaps this is the photo that best illustrates how i feel. Look closely at the eyes.

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i'm not really in the mood for faking it tonight. So grasp yourself, because i don't make sense, and i'm not trying to.

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But first, let me share with you my greatest fantasy of all:

Maybe i'll go as a barbarian fishmonger to the next fetish ball.

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Once more, i have no idea of who i am. i mean, i do... all three of me. There are two who i would like to know better, whereas, i know all about the bad me. Only a couple people know her. She is one mean bitch. You see, the thing is, she makes the ones i love dislike who i am. Every single one of them. And then i have to change. She's a nagging bitch. And she's nagging at me right now. She's a mean motherfucker with spiked heels who enjoys tearing my heart to pieces. She's the reason i'm a cutter. She's the reason there is a pile of chocolate and marshmallow wrappers and a half empty jar of peanut butter and a teen magazine besides me right now. She's the reason i'm crying.

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Excuse me for a moment, i need to make her shut up.

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...

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One day i will learn that birds of a feather flock together. Even when one is a lone rider. It has been on my mind lately, probably one too many times, the longing for the things that made me "me", and that i no longer can have, or be. Converse sneakers. Long nights out. Rave parties. Ridiculously cute outfits. Not feeling guilty about being a tom-boy. Dancing till my bones hurt. Making love to another woman. Being made LOVE to. Feeling completely comfortable. Letting go.

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i changed my hair this week (again) for a specific reason, and Tuesday, well... Tuesday brought a lot back. i know what the One who matters will think when (if) He reads this... "I should not let her do these things if they make her feel sad about how she lives". i know He was pissed at me for having to pick me up at such a late hour. Its hard to explain... they don't make me sad. They make me happy. Really happy. Its the reminder of how rare these moments are, how alive they make me feel, and how high is the price i pay for them that makes me sad. i really wish He would take part of these parts of my life. i wish the price to pay was not so awful. But its not who He is. And He's not the active type. i am.

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Singing. Dancing. Creating. Photographing. Brain-storming. Doing things. Making things happen. Those are the things that make my heart rejoice.

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Surely, He is not that cruel to say and do the things He says and does out of the knowledge of what my worst nightmares are. He probably has already forgotten them. Or maybe when He is upset He does not care. But those sure are scary nightmares.

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(That day on the train it occured to me that it would only take one moment of pain to die. And it would probably hurt less than a lot of the shit i've been through.)

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The nasty inner bitch strikes again. Shhhh... shut up you stupid bitch. Its not like i'm gonna kill myself. i'm just trying to convince myself that its daft to be afraid.

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Anyways, i can't take abandonment. Or better, i can. But no one likes who i become when i HAVE to be strong. Because she is the strong one. And she is evil.

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I did a photo shoot Tuesday night. It felt great to have people telling me how incredible the things i do are, and how i should do more. i even felt... motivated. i did some burlesque themed photos for an incredibly talented new jewelry designer (he's so young and full of vision). We talked about people, and fashion, and inspiration... Ahhh... inspiration. i'm so full of it, and yet, i'm not. i also was at the right place at the right time and was interviewed by MTV and got to show off my feather fans and talk about my look and hand out a biz card. And to think that sometimes i feel so... boring.

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i'm talented as well. And i'm a fucking coward!

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So let me write yet another rant. Yet another mourning for my fear of being in need, of depending, of unleashing my whole. And of how i use people as an excuse for my running away from my full potential. (Am i redundant or what?!).

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Do i love You? Yes, i do, especially when You are the lovable one. Because You too have bad days, and are self-centered. Maybe... It wouldn't make that much of a difference if i moved on with my personal projects and did things, but i focus on You so i won't focus on me. As long as i serve You when You want me too, and You have been so soft, so easy to please lately, so... vanilla..., it doesn't make a difference if i am at the sewing machine, at the computer, reading or whimpering at Your feet demanding attention. Perhaps the last is somehow annoying?

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Yeah, i love You.

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Even if You hate the real me. Even if the things that turn You are the ones that triggered this (my bad for reading those Fansadox comics, they are nasty and anyone who does those awful non-consensual things should be stopped)... i actually miss the times You took the time to "discipline" me. i learned to love the things You love, because You love them and they made You love me. i wish You KNEW that. You know i'm not even a real sub. i'm just Your slave.

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i am a half-finished project. Although i gotta hand it to You for bringing out whatever little pin-up there was in me. Yes, You bring out the Tranny in me.

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"Half a bee, philosophically,

Must, ipso facto, half not be.

But half the bee has got to be

Vis a vis, its entity. D'you see?"

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My head is a scary place to be in all alone. Please, help?

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Awww, i'll just sit in front of the tv in search of mindless entertainment and wait for my brain to melt away. Not feeling very talented or beautiful or special right now.

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No, no, no. What i really need is a lovely vintage musical movie. For inspiration.

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... And she had so much potential. All she needed was someone who could bring it all out. Tsc, tsc.

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Hopefully tomorrow i'll be back into hypomania. Night night. Pin-ups don't cry on the floor wearing their mans clothes (and i love wearing my Man's clothes). They cry in their bodouirs, sipping champagne and looking glamorous.

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i need an enema. And a party. Pretty pretty please?

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mood: swingin' dangerously

now playing: trouble - shampoo

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(As sad as i may feel, i still don't take myself seriously. Otherwise, i wouldn't be half this lovable.)

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Yatta?!

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And to change the note on another rant... the one scene in a movie that made me pee myself in the movie theater. Seriously, i'll never be able to sing that song again:

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Ain't i a bipolar sweetie?

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*Truth or Dare?*

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Sometimes it feels as if you have settled down - and it makes you feel guilty.
Sometimes it feels like you're not trying at all and all you worked for is going to waste.
Life has been great the past few days. The four-day "weekend" was really good. Our 2-year anniversary was nice.
We've been having my favorite weather - chilly, with beautiful sunshine and a perfectly blue sky. I love sunny autumn days.
And i no longer have to feel stuffy and lame now that i have learned what enemas can do.

But there is a hell lot more i can do. And a hell lot more fun to be had.
My muscles hurt from working out. I should be proud of myself but i'm not.
Honestly, i hate myself today. I feel fat, impaired and useless.
And living off PBJ's isn't helping.
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i really could use a strong cup of coffee right now, but my kitchen is so messy i'm afraid of going near it.
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In all honesty, the moment the Mister takes flight tomorrow morning, i will have a few really busy days ahead. In a good productive way.
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All i needed was a challenge.
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Maybe i need a change in soundtrack. My conditionals have been taunting me excessively.
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i'll have a real update soon, i promise. Meanwhile, some photos:

(two weekends ago)
funny faces
attacking my döppleganger
drunken smile. Happy times. Unfortunatelly, that night ended badly.
Back from Luxúria, last Saturday.
Oh Hi!
Shibari
I went Houdini right after this photo.
Meh!
Yum! Instant Jews Ears Fungus! I wonder what other decaying body parts Chinese eat.That IS a giant real life anchor behind me. At the hardware store!
Good times. Clear skies.
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Its May (already?!!!). Its time to get back into shape and organize myself. Maybe clean out my closet and sell some of the stuff i don't use... Sewing will have to wait till i have my real body back.
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I can hardly wait for June. By then i will get my MRI and know how i really am doing and when i can go back to dance classes... And finally getting an MRI means i will then be able to get new ink and piercings.
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And hey, keep your eyes peeled! By next month Sao Paulo MIGHT have its own SG party!
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Consider yourselves all invited!
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Two questions:
1 - i was thinking of making card sized prints to sell... like baseball or playing cards. What do you guys think?
2 - What would you like to see on a next video?
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Last but not least, have you seen my SGTV Video Audition?

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Mood: confused
Now playing: Shrek the Third Soundtrack
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