Hi old friend

Hi there dysthymia... or is just loneliness? Or does it even have to do with the freaky xmas eve episode where I passed out while we were taking care of my foot with acupuncture and went to my dark place?

Never mind that I painted a huge reminder not to give in to the darkness. It took over again. Like a big fat cushion of foul air it surrounds and immobilizes me. I can't breath. My mouth tastes like tar. I can't stop crying when I'm alone.

I hate the fat face I see in all the recent photos of me. I'm working hard on that but there is much weight to lose. At least another 3 kg till I start feeling again like a human being. I feel lonely but I don't want to let anyone touch me in this state. This mochi state.

We had a meeting last night and even though I was barely there - hi hypoglycemia - I took some mental notes. It's amazing how people notice things I don't, that should be very obvious to me because they are about the way I interact with others. Am I really this self centered? Do I really have to spend my time making a conscious effort to relate to people (because interacting is already an ordeal at times) and noticing how that works on video? Do I have Asperger's? Nah. But if felt that I have been a self centered bitch all along and I have no idea how to change that except for an exhausting self checking at all times. As if my internal dialogue wasn't loud enough.

I need to function today. Maybe it's just the absence of carbs in my diet or the diet itself. Maybe it's that I cut coffee. I'll bring coffee back. I could scream of loneliness. I want to bury my face in my pillow and stay there. But I can't. Not that any of the things on my to do list will bring me $, which I really need. But they are promises I made, and those I must keep.

Nintai, Sweetie. Nintai. Gambatte kudasai! Aja aja, Sweetie. Hwaitting!

Fuck you darkness and this foul tar taste in my mouth.



Weight: 67kg

Insomniac mania

just figured out what I want to tattoo on my knuckles (did anyone ever doubt I wanted tattoed knuckles?).

Supa Diva (heart symbol)

that and tattooing the star fleet insignia on my chest. That would be awesome.

Sick

I hate feeling sick. Specially when I know that is mostly due to anxiety. And maybe/probably/most likely PMS. Sick to the point I can't funcion normally. Sick to the point I'm bed ridden.

I can't afford to be sick.

I shouldn't be this anxious, but I am. Five days of migraine, and now the taquicardia and chest pain. Yeah, I'll have to make time to go to the doctor. But for now I'm trying to function on herbal teas and supplements. I just need to get through this next week.

One week till I present my end of course book. We present. And then it's over.

Or is it?

Wait, what?!

Had an episode this past holiday (we had a holiday on Thursday and one yesterday, so it was a looooooong one) that I could just forget. And I probably will, and as I found it amusing I thought I'd leave it here for future lols.

So I'm perfectly fine with my young busy cute and adorable 오빠. We've been seeing less and less of each other but I've been busy with my burlesque group again, as well, so I'm dealing with feeling lonely the best I can. On Wednesday I was hanging out online when a random korean guy who is living in the country side of São Paulo working with a soccer team added me on facebook. Cool, I thought. Whatever. And as what usually happens when someone is direct and incisive and explicitly sexual in chat, I ended up arranging to meet him. Like... for him to come over.

That took all of a couple days over whatsapp, texts, skype and chatting. What can I say? I'm a sucker for cute accents, high chiseled cheek bones and those tiny tiny eyes. Not to mention that Korean men have awesome bodies.

이거성 (Insung Lee), 27, from a small province in South Korea, wanted to come over on the holiday itself, but I really wanted to see my Oppa first. Cuz I may be a troublemaker but I really hate feeling like a XX (새끼). Sometimes I feel that a lot of Korean men are 새끼 when it comes down to it... but I think I have to try a few more before I can come to a conclusion. As Oppa puts it, our relationship status is "just enjoy". He has his online fling. Felt fair enough.

So 이거성 came over on Friday afternoon, even though I was preparing like crazy for the movie/photo shoot we did on the weekend. Yeah, we wrote, produced and shot a short movie in two days. With no budget. Inspired by a k-pop music video. We're awesome like that. It was AWKWARD! Like whoa! Well, at least for the first 15 minutes, then we kissed and got naked. It was... ok. Didn't blow my mind, but it was fun, and quite kinky. It's fun at times to have sex with someone who CAN'T go on for hours. Cuz 오빠 can. 이거성 could go on and on again, but not hold it for hours. So it was almost like Lee Hi's single... you know... 1 and 2 and 3 and 4. And then ordering dinner (looking back, I'm glad I didn't waste my cooking skills on that 새끼). There was a 5, and we watched Coffee Prince. If you ask me, best part of the whole experience was sleeping on a strong warm shoulder that didn't nudge all night. I guess that's what I miss/want/need the most. I'm sooooo making myself an octopus giant pillow asap.

Saturday morning I woke up super early to get stuff ready for the shoot, as 이거성 slept. I only woke him up after I showered, as it was almost time for my producers to pick me up. After he showered, I went at it again, since I do love morning sex. So that was 6. Well, his count. I came much less than usual on this rendezvous. He left (and maybe he felt upset I didn't cancel my plans to keep him company till he had to meet his friend? Who knows?) and we exchanged a couple more texts on whatsapp and that was that. I went off into work mode. Later the housemate told me she didn't like him. That my 오빠 is much cuter and hotter (I do agree, but he's also much more of a boy), and polite. That 이거성 made a huge mess in the bathroom after showering and didn't flush right. Whatever. Not gonna see that 새끼 again anyways.

The shoot went on. Saturday was for writing the script and prepping most of the sets. Sunday started super early and that was 15 hours of work with no time for eating, and well worth it. So I just remembered to check on 이거성 yesterday, in the morning. You know... I'm a curious gal. And I like having friends.

Well, guess who blocked me on facebook? Omo... Who's invisible on skype? And guess who doesn't care? To be fair enough, I deleted his texts and phone number, just so that I won't feel inclined to poke at his manly pride. No need for that. I mean... It was pretty random, but I had thought that he had enjoyed the whole thing enough. What-ever. I find it amusing and totally fucked up. Do Korean men really go that low for a one night stand? I really don't care. But I would be happy to know that there are nice, warm, romantic, and sweet guys in such a culture as well. Because I get being work oriented/obsessed. But that doesn't mean you have to be a jerk. 

Guess things are better this way. I'm still texting 오빠, who is busy with work and college. I have my own stuff going on. Yesterday we had an awesome, hilarious, video shoot. And I started watching Boys before Flowers. Aigooo... I shouldn't have. I need to cam/work/make money. But I also can make do with fictional romance. And that's how I make it work.

I'm really amused. Like...

Ok... here are some photos.

writing our script over lunch and beer

my trashed burlesque look

I'm the pirate queen, bitches!

At yesterday's shoot. Aegyo burlesque, anyone?

Treating myself (nicely)

After a relaxing weekend with Oppa actually sleeping over on Saturday and spending Sunday afternoon with me, junk food, beers and sex (and exploring new things as well) I had some errands to run today.

I've been styling my pink hair so it's even cuter. And today I went and bought more accesories. If there is something I can't live without that's hair bows.

Sunday morning I was going to get a bit jealous of Oppa's online fling posting a photo of his on facebook. Then I realized that all she can do is post photos, since she lives far far away. He spent the night with me. He sees me most days. She can post all the photos she want's, I'm the only making love to him.

I was actually going to go out yesterday, so I got dolled up, but as I was leaving the house Oppa said he was coming over so we went to the market to buy beer, icecream and snacks and spent most of the afternoon watching K-drama. Well, kind of. After a couple beers, he fell asleep as I was taking care of his skin. I like spoiling that boy. When he woke up, things got hot. Real hot. Hot enough to make my legs turn to jelly.

It was a nice weekend. On Friday I shot part of this month's episode of my videocast, danced, drank a lot and slept all morning on Saturday. Then I got cabin fever, went to one of my favorite places for the view, hanged out with a couple acquaintances, hanged out by my self (which I don't mind at all), had some beers with Oppa and his best friend, and slept with Oppa. Sunday was K-drama, yummy snacks and <3 .="." p="p">

shooting Cozinha ao Ponto #6

hair style

the pin thing is inspired by Spica's new MV

Mayanna and I at the club

My producers brought me a Spock t-shirt from the US. 

my idea of a good time. Headphones, a great view, nice weather , candy and something to read

street food. And beer.

Sunday look

My favorite tempura for lunch today... it's the size of my head. Almost.

Coffee and a tiny macaron at my favorite sweets shop

banana cream and chocolate

Today's haul. Well, the extras.

Accessories. And candy.

love gifts that come in the mail. <3 ballet="ballet" td="td">

 Hey, I'm trying to hold back the aegyo. Nah, I'm not.

And since I want to turn myself into a spoiled brat, today I had to go buy fabric for the bags for our books from college. I bought some fun rings, hair bows, candy and lots of yummy stuff at Liberdade. Yay for Asian ingredients... <3 a="a" also="also" and="and" arrived="arrived" awesome.="awesome." ballet="ballet" fan.="fan." from="from" gift="gift" gochujang="gochujang" my="my" on.="on." p="p" quite="quite" so="so" tofu="tofu">
I'm not feeling it to sew right now. Gonna take the rest of this rainy gray day to rest and watch some tv shows.

Tomorrow I gotta start working online again. My $ is running out and the debts piling up. But that's tomorrow. Gotta enjoy my good mood when I got it.

Cabin fever, day 2

It's the second day I'm antsy with cabin fever. Go figure. Maybe it's that my college ordeal is almost over? I've kind of bit indulging well in food and drink, and thanks to my graduation project I don't really have the money, but who cares? A beer here and there, I can make do with the bills later.

Funny how this works. I was gonna post this, in portuguese (well, the essence), on facebook. But then I thought a bit more about how directly it will bug some people I know. So screw them.

I can spend 3, 4 days at a time without wanting or needing to leave the house. But then every once in a while I get bit by this little bug that reminds me just how cool is the world out there. And I don't even need that much company to enjoy it.

Seriously, I pity those who aren't comfortable in their own company. How sad and lonely it must be to not be enough to oneself. If you always need other people so that you can be distracted of how shallow you actually are, I pity you.

Don't get me wrong. I enjoy the company of many different people. I just enjoy mine more.

I'm almost done with Secret Garden. Gonna make something yummy to eat and finish off this Drama.

x_x

Yesterday Oppa managed to spend the night. I don't know what to make out of that kid. He's nice. And sweet. But even though he'll taunt me and tease me saying he's the mature one among the both of us, I'm not so sure. Or is he that comfortable with me that he'll fall asleep almost everytime during sex? Aish... 어떡해?

Seriously, 어떡해? Maybe it's the alchohol. Gonna figure this out, eventually.

they broke the mold

wow, that's a record. One week. And those are some pretty strong feelings. At least oppa was honest in that he is in a virtual relationship with someone else and doesn't want/can't have any stronger ties.

He's the kind of guy I really really really want to be friends with. So... I don't know what to do next. I guess the best thing would be nothing. Maybe I'd be better off friendzoning the world. Or being an XX.

Being a hopeless romantic is painful.

At least he has flaws. Everyone does. Me, I'm huge now, as prove last Saturday's photos. Aish, maybe I should stop skipping periods. Him? He's always tired so the moment he relaxes and has a couple beers he'll fall asleep during sex. Been there, done that. But sometimes it's a bit insulting.

One week and I've cried already. Awell, I'm just gonna get back to my online work soon enough and that should do wonders for my self esteem. Or not.

Damn, such a pity. I'll hang on a little longer. We are a wonder team in the kitchen.


x-x

One of the considerations that came to mind is how relationships mold us. Yeah, I'm back on that "all the affection we got is going somewhere, sooner or later, no matter who" key again. But a little deeper. Because relationships also change us. And if they do change us, what do we do with the expectations we learn to have once they are over? What do I do with the person I have become because of the girl and the Mister?

x-x

I really really really really really want a fresh start, and to be housemates with my brother. This woman.... We're all broke, girl. Staying in bed all day and being a slob won't change that.

x-x

On a happy note, my long lost best friend from 11 years ago found me online today. So happy! Can't wait to go visit my parents and do a ton of catching up.

x-x

Gonna fall asleep to more romantic ridiculousness. Oh, Secret Garden. At least you bring romance to my life.

x-x
Seriously, when is it gonna be my turn?

that nagging little voice in the back of my head...

me and my frigging trust issues. I never know when to believe the little voice in the back of my head. Which right now is saying that yes, I will get hurt and yes, it will be fun.

Just because at the same time Oppa is super sweet and fun, he also has a million things going on. I respect that. And he's young, Which is great, he works very hard and still has a lot of energy. But the damn cell phone. I guess I'll just stop leaving mine on silent and ignoring it when we're together.

This was one magical three day weekend. With plenty of drama (watching it, of course), candy, yummy Korean beef, ssam, soju, and sex. And I learned important things about Oppa. Like that it's hard to wake him up once he falls asleep. That he is crazy about my hips. And if he's relaxed/tired enough, he'll fall asleep during sex. Yeah, that happened. Twice. But I'm not judging. It's not like I've never done that. And besides that, the sex is pretty epic.

It all feels very bittersweet. Oppa is cute, fun, sings and looks like a hallyu idol and has the exact amount of dominance during sex that I enjoy. What? A girl can't like having her hair firmly held? But as it did come up, liking each other and such, that's just it. His life is complicated, my life is complicated. He did see me performing on Saturday (I need to work on that young thing's references) and I didn't really ask him how it made him feel. Or if we're exclusive. I'm trying to hold on to every cute sweet moment, but that does make things a bit bitter.

Damn you Korean dramas and the unrealistic romantic expectations you set. So the plan is to keep mine as low as possible, enjoy this as much as I can, work my schedules in a way that I can be free when he has free time (after all he works 12 hours a day and goes to college. My life is easier) and keep myself busy and interesting. Oh, and blow off for good the girl (I just don't know how, I feel like such a jerk) and most of my other flirts. Just too much work. Or maybe I shouldn't? Aigoo.

Its a bit strange to be hanging out with someone who is also in showbusiness. Gonna make the best of this. Maybe I should ask him to teach me to make my clothes disappear on stage... such a cute little magician!

Aish, back to Secret Garden. Tomorrow I return to my diet and excercise, firmly and trully. If I'm only gonna obsess about Asian men now I better look the part.

Weekend playlist, aka songs he's been singing and that are now stuck in my head:

Big Bang - Bad Boy

G-Dragon - Crayon



G-Dragon - That XX



Gain - Bloom

cute overdose... and a much needed rest

Yes, you can overdose on cute. OMG, I had a cute cute sweet day, and it was almost perfect. It just wasn't perfect because Young Lae 오빠 had to leave. I'd say it should feel ridiculously strange to call someone 10 years younger than me 오빠. But it doesn't. Not now.

I'm gonna try to keep my head on and consider this having a very good friend with lots of benefits  Yeah, that kind of benifits. I mean.. I did have a k-drama worthy dinner at home, cooking together, eating from the same dishes, feeding each other and all. He has the loveliest voice and we went over some G-Dragon tunes. Sweet. I got a future idol 오빠.

Fun story. I've been stalking the local kpop community online, but hadn't gone to say hi at my favorite study place (where they also gather to rehearse) or done much but was looking forward to going to this A-Pop party tomorrow night. Young Lae 오빠 is not only actively involved in said community, but I'd say he's idol material for the fan girls in it. Hell yeah. But I could swear he was gay. Is. Whatever. So... not... true.

He's a diva. That's how we started talking online, a few days ago. Then texting. And we finally met last night when he came over before I went to work as a hostess. You know when you're flirting but not sure you're flirting? That.

I put off going to Zombie Walk this year to take a break from life. A much needed break. Got home, slept, woke up, showered, weighed myself, put some light makeup on and went to the market. Met oppa there, bought lots of yummy ingredients, had 떡 for brunch and started a Secret Garden marathon. Cuddles, hugs, and finally kisses. Its so much fun to talk to someone who knows a lot about the stuff I like. And the xx. It had been over a month. Sweet pounding. Sweet orgasms. And dinner.

He's soooooooo cute. One moment he's super girly and a dancing diva, the next he's got that serious manly look on. Nice body, cute face, with a sense of style. Strong. Sweet. Ok, there was one thing bothering me.. the phone. Mine, I put on silent and ignored it all day. Way I see it, we're both a couple of sweet 새끼. KISS, Sweetie. A Korean guy is a good way of getting over a Japanese man. But oppa is worth a lot more as a friend.

I'm thankful for today.

weight: 65 kg! (not after todays tteok!)

Keeping my hopes up/down

Well, I met my deadline for my college assignment, but as I finished it at 6 am, showered and came to college, I'm not so sure about how many corrections I'm gonna have to make next week when I get it back.

It's hard to focus for a long time. Dieting is hard. Looking in the mirror and seeing a Robert Crumb amazon is harder. Not sleeping and writing all night has me famished... I must keep to this new healthy lifestyle, but how, with all this stress?

Robert Crumbs are burly. I'd rather just be cute.

Hmmm, vibe? Dunno. I realized in the shower today I haven't had any xxx in a month. Damn that cat eyed boy!

 Dieting on Halloween? Who cares? Oh yeah, I do.

If I could eat anything in the world right now... it would be... a bitter truffle? But that's healthy. Hmmmm, nah, I'd have a gourmet grilled cheese sandwich with roastbeef and pepper jelly. Damn myself and my lack of restraints.

That empty space...

It would seem like I'm just addicted to being in love. Because now that I'm over and mostly recovered from that pair of eyes... all there is is an empty space.

And what do I do with that space? That energy? Sure, I'm back to loving my little pink friend, but it's not the same. And if I thought I would apply that energy to getting my college work done, well, tough luck honey.

The wishing is still here. The wanting is still here. As I said, it's a matter of finding an object of affection, not the feeling of affection itself.

Shit is fucked up.

And I should get back to work. You know, the college work I've procrastinated and pretended to do all weekend. Damn.

Diet day 1: 69 kg
Hair colour: Pink with turquoise
MV of the day:

TMI - and it's kind of random

One: I put a diesel green streak into my hair. Now I want the rest pastel pink.
Two: I'm fat.
Three: I need a day that goes like this song. Rhythm wise, at least.


Four: my pee smells like coffee.
Five: I need to stop procrastinating and actually work on my college final essay. I'm tired of being surrounded by papers. And I need to do laundry and stuff. It's just so overwhelming.
Six: The girl is really after me, or so it seems. Went for a coffee date yesterday, and then made out like a teenager on the street. And I'm still not sure.

Diet should start today. Not Monday. But today. Yeah, right.
I want to go study at CCSP. But my netbook can't take the workload. :(

Today I was daydreaming and I thought that...

it would be curious to meet someone nice who has no idea of who I am and what I do. Not that I am famous or anything... but I'm all over the internet. Just saying.

it would be fun, exciting, scary and dangerous to date an asian gangster. But that is probably not the best idea.

that I am almost over it. Saw a picture of the cat eyed boy and his new girl and they are cute together. I'm sour about not having a better shot at his heart. But that's life. I'm just sour now. The hurt is ALMOST all gone.

that when I say I wish I had someone who liked me a whole lot it's unfair. Because there are such people. It's just that... well, you know. I don't like them back.

I should have some fun while I'm looking for the next pair of cat eyes. What can I say? I've always been into Asians.

Tomorrow I wake up extra early to dye my hair, take care of my skin, take a decent shower, shave and do my nails. I need some grooming.

Getting laid will have to wait till after we turn in our book to our college professors. Awell.

Sinfully fun. There's gotta be more apples out there for me to bite into.

all we have is affection

It could just be me being crazy, but here's a theory.

We all have love to share. We all want to be the object of someone's affection. And I'm starting to think that, as long as there is chemistry and some kind of connection, it doesn't really matter to and from whom.

So it ends up being kind of random. If I make a connection but the person disappoints me in some manner, the intentions I had toward that person will be transferred onto the next one. Do I make any sense?

People follow patterns in their relationships. Maybe it's that. I usually end up with people who are good communicators. Especially online. Long conversations give me time to evaluate if I do or don't admire the person in some way. That's MY deal breaker. That and hands. Small, overly soft hands with not much of a grip do NOTHING for me. I like feeling small and helpless in someone's hands, so I rather they are on the big and rough side. But in the end, it's all about the grip.

And that's me. I have, as I guess everyone does, a series of criteria by which I will judge the person who approaches me suitable or not. Once I have checked for deal breakers (picky eaters, dumb fucks, bad communicators, small hands, i.e.) I'll get to the next steps. Cuddling is a must. So is enjoying cartoons. Not making fun of my trashy tastes is a plus. Sharing my trashy tastes makes the person a keeper. And so on.

Obviously, chemistry is the first element. The smell of the skin, the touch of the person's hands, the way their lips fit mine... You can't say these things aren't important. And sometimes, as perfect as a person may seem, there just isn't any chemistry. And that's called the friend zone. I know, it's sad.

Maybe these are just senseless rambles. I'm just trying to make my original point, I guess. All we have is affection. And maybe it doesn't really matter to whom we give it, as long as that person fits into the checklists we create. So maybe there isn't such a thing as "the one". We just settle for the one that fits us at that moment.

So maybe I should just get a cat, upgrade my vibrator, dedicate myself to my online sweethearts and call it a day.

But I do hope I'm wrong. I'm a sucker for love stories and romantic comedies.

Just so you know...

here's what really went down in one month.

"Girl feels lonely, girl hears of cute asian boy who happens to like her photos, girl decides to hook up with the cat eyed boy, girl gets bewitched by the cat eyes, girl and boy exchange a ton of messages on facebook and on the phone, asian boy starts making up a bunch of excuses and never shows up again, girl insists on a definite answer, boy changes his relationship status on facebook two days later. Girl is heartbroken and lonely again".

Guess I shouldn't watch so many dramas that paint one-sided love as something glamorous. Wait, who am I fooling? Meh.

I'll just keep on being my k-pop/otome/pinup/kinky/vintage/ott self until I find someone who not only deserves but appreciates all this.

Hey bro, I heard you like pin-ups, so here's a pin-up photo for you.

Blow me

I need to stop.

Stop blaming myself when this type of thing doesn't work out
Stop thinking I'm not good enough for someone nice
Stop feeling lonely. I like being alone.

I need more work. To get over with my final essay for college, to graduate, and fill my days with fun things like today, doing hair and makeup for a photoshoot. I love being on all sides of the camera.

But I still feel like this when I'm home.

Yeah, I'm really needy. So what? Should I just settle for what I can get? I miss a firm hand, but I love my freedom.

I'll go out with the girl another time. Just to be sure. I'm looking forward to the party on the 3rd. Even if just to have fun dancing and making new friends. A party I'm off duty.

And I'll put any serious dieting on hold till I'm done with school. Gotta learn to compromise, I guess.

Look at me... don't I deserve some love? Awwww, shucks.

Tell tales he`s/she`s bullshitting you

"I'm not ready for a relationship right now"
"I keep my heart in a safe, it's been crushed before"
"I don't like to expose myself"
"It's just that I don't think I can handle dating someone like you"

But posting a photo of yourself with the girl you're going out with on instagram is fine now, right?

Deep breaths, Sweetie. You're gonna rip that pair of cat eyes out of your heart soon enough. Focus on your college work and the people who do want to go out with you.

I should know the signs. When a guy will just take you to a motel or stay over at your place and never see you during the day, it's kind of a given. Damn. Time to start telling myself his hands were small and crap like that.

I deserve better.

yeah, I`m lonely. Whatever.

Maybe it's because my loyal desktop is away, being saved. Maybe it's because that last cat-eyed boy that stole my heart left it at that and ran away from the perils of dating someone like me. Le sigh. Maybe it's just that I desperately miss lazy sundays filled with cuddles and yummy treats.

I have stuff to do today so I don't get to hang out with my friends. But that's ok. I'll be out making monies and teaching ladies to be sexy and making them laugh. And then I'll come home, buy something to eat alone and hang out with the zen inducing netbook.

I'll just cuddle with Fluffy. And Captain Cookie. And the rest of the gang of plush toys around here. And a bowl of icecream.

Once I hit the gym tomorrow, I'm sure I'll feel better. Right now, I just need to muster the strength to hit the showers.

Haunted by a pair of eyes

A pair of cat eyes. Japanese cat eyes. Not even a week after the last boy broke up with me (and last night he admitted to cheating on me. Orly? Tell me something I don't know!) I decided to meet up with my Nee-chan.

Seriously, I had nothing in mind. Maybe a one night stand, but that was it. He looked cute, and I knew he was a fan, so I just thought I'd spend my night with someone nice.

Maybe it's the mystery of someone who is new. Maybe it's those eyes. Maybe it's just because it's (always) the wrong time. But he has me wanting his well defined tattooed japanese body, that firm grip and those eyes... oh those eyes.

They've burned their way into my head.

Things nice girls don't say

but that we do think them, we do.

- it's not so much that I'm in a lot of pain from the cramps, but more like I'm bleeding like a wounded animal and would rather not have to move around with a pool of blood between my legs.
- I'm gonna stop answering your sorry ass right now because all the things I write come out snarky and I rather not regret it later so I keep on deleting my answers. And that's why I'm finally silent.
- If it were legal I'd be bashing your head in now with a baseball bat, bitch.

and many others.

I'll keep this one post updated as I go. It should be an interesting list to keep.

Some people are like Mary Poppins' doppleganger

And I'm not talking about your regular killjoy. I'm talking about those people who seem nice at first but when you have to work with them make even the most fun event feel like a chore.

A fucking chore.

Because if there is one thing that steals the glory out of anything it's bureaucracy. It's taking yourself too seriously. It's the certainty that you are better than anyone else.

Seriously, I got some of these people stuck in my throat right now. And just the sight of their name puts me in a sour mood. I really got to figure out what to do about it before this escalates to the point I AM going to bash their heads in with a chair.

Or just walk away. Even if walking away isn't a choice.
It's supposed to be fun, people. Lighten up. And stop putting people down for your own entertainment.

*back in the game*

*
The dating game, that is. Not that I ever was really all that out. But the boy "broke up" with me over facebook yesterday. Second time in a row someone breaks up with my while I'm shooting something. Well, in this case he didn't even bother breaking up. He just changed his facebook status to single. Luckily, I was looking at the screen when it happened, so I kind of was the first to know.

Well, as the Scissor Sisters well put it, "let's have a Kiki".

It was over. Mostly because I don't have the energy or even actually want to invest in a relationship right now.

It's time to take care of myself. Period. And maybe go on a couple interesting dates in the process.
*

A matter of trust

One of the most frustrating things ever, to me at least, is feeling a group of people I work with does not trust my work.

And I mean frustrating to the brink of tears. Seriously. Constant questioning, undermining, handing over things I'd love to do to other people have me screaming on the inside. I need trust.

So I started thinking about trust issues. Before I start screaming outloud, or posting snarky comments online, and so that I can stop deleting half of the things I wish I was responding... time to look on the inside.

I'm having major trust issues. In a way I've never had before. Inner and outer trust issues. I'm upset by a bunch of bureaucrats who don't trust me, true. I don't trust my heart or friendship into their hands either. I started handing it over, and making myself at ease with them but some of our recent arguments screwed that up. And now I'm having issues because I do feel they do not trust my skills. Which is really the most upsetting thing for a workaholic.

All I got is work.

Double whammy. Ops, double insight.

- I'm not all that.  I have moments of genius, but the rest of the time, I'm quite average. I'm cute, I'm funny and I'm hyperactive. I'm also vain, annoying and superficial. And lazy. Time to be humble and really study,    to really pick people's brains. Kintaro Oe put it well: Study, study, study!

- I don't trust myself. Because I know I'm a poser, and I know how lazy I can be, I don't trust myself. Therefore, I'm paranoid others will find out how much I don't know and feel angry they won't trust me. Let those who know, do, dammit. And start trusting yourself to be hardworking and earnest. There's more worth in that. Let the random anonymous dudes online suck up to you and pamper your ego.

I hope this is one of those internal snaps, when one really changes. It would be nice growing up just a bit more. And being less lazy. Admitting I don't know won't make me less special or delightful to be around. Now I get it.

Still, a little bit of praise for small things, when it comes to working with me, goes a looooooooong way in making me want to try harder. Criticizing me is making me shut myself in my own little shell of pain. And that is something decades of therapy may never cure. But I can try.

fucking trust issues

yesterday I started taking into account how fucked up my trust issues really are. I've been finding it really hard to connect and relate to people, but I hadn't considered that as a factor. Then, bam! Yeah, it's a real thing.

I'll blame the former bestie, she who shall not be named, for this one. After saving my ass last year when my ex threw me out, she snapped and went berserk on me, revealing her own nature. As ugly as that nature is, the shock of seeing her true self was a lot bigger than the fact we are no longer friends. As I've seen around online, I miss the person she used to be.

So I've been having issues with some of the people I'm working with in my burlesque group. Big issues. Trust issues. Issues as in they're painfully rude and say the most hurtful things. And I do take those to heart. I've even been pushing the boy away, half bored, half afraid to commit at all.

And here I was wondering why it seemed I have no friends. Well, hon, you're not letting anyone near you! I'm still feeling a bit awkward around my friends/producers, but I do see them as friends now. I mean, they've been watching over me (and half spoiling me, both of them) since wednesday, and it's not because anyone expects it of them or because they don't have anything better to do. But because they want to.

Well, it takes getting really sick to see who are the people who care for your well being. I should have known. I'll try to be nicer to others from now on as well. Lesson learned.

I just need the taquicardia to go away.

and an UTI almost killed me

No, seriously. Ok, maybe it didn't kill me. But if it hadn't been for my good friends/producers I'd still be curled at home in a flaming ball of pain.

See, thing is I'm used to being feverish. Or having a bit of a fever. And I shouldn't. Because one night of fever became two, and then three. And when abdominal pain and god awful migraines joined the party on the third night, I thought they would go away on the next day. But they didn't.

And on the fourth day (I was transported back to my missionary childhood this morning reading Robert Crumb's Genesis, don't mind me) me and the producers had a meeting with a big cable network. I felt ok. For a little bit. As long as I wasn't standing.

Yeah, right. Me being ok turned into me passing out in the mall and sweating out my soul later that night. So, lucky me, my friends, the producers, insisted on taking me to the hospital. And even luckier we found a public hospital that wasn't crowded and that could produce my exam results on the same day. And even even luckier I have the worst differential diagnostic skills. No, it was not appendicitis, nor dengue fever. It was "just" an UTI that went unnoticed for about a couple weeks and had spread, hi and lo. Yup, an UTI could have been the end of me.

Other exam results showed what everyone already knows. I have a shitton of piercings. I'm still anemic. And hypoglycemic. And had a raging fever of 102F (39C) when I hit the hospital. Almost enough to melt out my precious... brains.

So I'm spending the day at my friend's place, feeling like the sick kid at the aunt's house. A couple of doses into the antibiotics have me feeling a bit better, but not well enough to do much of anything. The taquicardia and the mental confusion are side effects, and are really unpleasant. The fever is gone, but some of the pain isn't, and my stomach is a wreck.

Meh, I'm forcing myself to rest. I even switched with another dancer for tomorrow night's gig. I'll be back mooning into the adult world soon enough. And I promise (to try) to never overlook a fever again.

I owe my friends, big time... wonder how I'll make it up to them. I don't like being a burden on anyone, but sometimes other people can take better care of you than yourself. Better rest well, so I can quickly be back on my feet!

A letter from the past

I've been going thru my bedroom in an effort to organize my life from the inside out. Also, I need the space to sew a modern hanbok style dress for my photoshoot on Monday. Seriously, I've been at this since... Wednesday?

I've got a lot of crap stuff, and one of the things I like keeping are old diarys and notepads. But those things take up space. It hurts throwing them out.

Going through one on my notepads from 6 (?!) years ago, I found this letter I wrote to the Mister. I have no idea of when... maybe in 2010? 2009? 2008? Our crisis go way back, almost as long as our relationship goes. And whilst it's kind of odd to post this today, since it's the (new) boy's birthday, I want to throw the original out. So I'll just leave this here.

Yes, it's very personal. So don't read it if you don't care. And if you do, please do contextualize. Back then was a time when I thought it was more comfortable to be owned than to be responsible, and I did not capitalize my "i"'s.

-x-

I'm sorry. But I hurt.


I need to be made love to. It's been so very long, long over two years anyone has made love to me.


Sex is good. The Fucking is great. But at times... At times like these, when i hurt, when every sore is open, i need to be made love to. Fucking, just for the sake of it, only makes the pain more vivid, more intense.


Sometimes i hurt. i am aching now, my memory revived by those who surround me... those who love each other in a way that has me sobbing in the ladies room, in envy and self pity, for i miss being touched.


Touch me. Kiss me til i moan and beg You to work Your way down. Do You even know my body, how i look down there? Kiss me, lick me, bite me, finger me, hold me... till i can take no more and beg You once again... make love to me, pretty pretty please.


And just then... just then You will firmly but gently, pin me down with Your manhood. for a moment, You pause and kiss me again, waiting. Finally, i pull You further in, and You know that it won't hurt even if You push harder and harder, thrusting until we are both exhausted.


Maybe this is a part of me You would rather ignore. Is it too vanilla for You, to love me this way? Can't You see it is to love i have submitted, not to You? True, both are the same, intertwined as Siamese in a freak show, conjoined by the head (or was it the pelvis?). i am Your slave, as You are my Master, and that is why, oh just why it is from You i long the love to come from... not from just anyone. Not from anyone else. Not anymore.


i repeat myself. i hurt on the inside. And I'm not very good at concealing it. Why should i? Shouldn't i give my whole to You, pain, love and all? But i am drifting away from the true objective of all this... Please, no longer ignore my longing for You. It can't be healthy to live this way.


i am afraid. i fear that if i am not loved, You may lose me. i am, honest. After all, no matter how much i love You, i still cannot love myself enough for both of Us.


This hurts. Cure me. Please, come closer now? Love me, gentle and sweet. Please, don't just shut off when i turn over and cry, for it is Your arms i long for. Kiss me. Embrace me. Console me. After all, these days, You are the one i hurt for.


And please, please, pretty pretty please...
Won't You make love to me?


...
But suddenly You come home and bring in a cold chill along? Do you even care to see me hurt? I hate my heart for whispering to me that You make it be so, and find it amusing. i just don't want to believe You're like all those other guys who hurt me before. Are You?
-x-

It was the one year anniversary of our very ugly breakup this week. I guess I needed the clean up around here, for my mental health. Sure, my sinuses suffer. But my room is as pink as it's ever been (and will get even pinker once I make my curtains), and my heart feels lighter with things in place.

He tweeted this, this week. I wonder if he meant me...

I keep on living. Living, learning, fighting. And pinning stuff. It's kind of my thing, you know?

Not half empty

My little cup of sadness is just about to overflow... I just can't afford desperation right now. It has never done me any good.
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The boy slept over last night. It was the first time someone has ever refused to have sex with me because I'm on the rag. I know I wasn't very assertive about it... but thinking about it afterwards... it sucks.
.
Welcome back to feeling all alone, Sweetie.

.
.
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Now find a job and go pay some bills.

*hush hush*

*

It had been a while since the last time I had to swallow something I was about to spit out. This time, for the sake of my group.

.

Fun fact. Just as I start to think of people as more than acquaintances recently, they blurt out it's just a work relationship, and to not mix things. So I'm not mixing things. Bringing me down to about... 0 friends? Real friends, I mean. Boyfriends aren't friends, it's different.

.

So I guess work is my friend. And the internet is my friend. as is coffee and pain killers. The audience is my friend, for those brief seconds of applause. And that's that. Family is family and romantic relationships are romantic relationships. And I'm feeling sour right now.

.

As for the words I've been holding down... I give myself till Sunday. If the people at the club I've been working for my group's sake treat me the same once again, I'll have to make a decision. I've been treated much better and earned a lot more earlier in my carreer. I'm not on stage to beg. I'm on stage to make a stand.

Maybe I am too immersed in Korean culture. And maybe I am watching to many dramas. I've never been so restrained as to human contact before...

Or maybe it's just me.

*

*I wish... a wish*

*

Wishlist for June 2012

- more space. I feel cramped and the mess makes it worse. If I could find a space to keep clear to stretch and rehearse daily, it would be easier.

- new hi-top sneakers. Been using the same pair, 3-4 times a week, since February. I love them. But I could use another pair.

- to get back to 59 kg. And then back to 56. But being 59 again would be great.

- a pair of pink boyfriend jeans. Thanks to this videoclip...

- a friend. A few friends. A group of friends. I have acquaintances.

- an oppa.

- A decent paying job. Being unemployed sucks, but I'm glad I got out of a job that was sucking the life out of me for spare change. Not the job itself, but the commute. But now I need another one. Before I have to start chosing between making rent and eating.

- Books on burlesque. The hard to find, good, expensive ones.

- Korean cosmetics. Aka, god's gift to women.

- A weekend to indulge and to be pampered. All expenses payed, of course. Superficial, I know. But I'm a girl most of the time, not a woman.

Back to the to-do list. I'm going to a fashion show to treat my eyes a little today. And I'm getting myself a bottle of chum-churum. 10 bucks may be pocket change to most, but to me, these days, it's an indulgence.

*

*3 out of 5*

After watching 2 whole seasons of Dream High it was my turn to step on an important stage yesterday. I'm not sure if getting 3 no's out of 5 judges on one of those variety game shows is a failure. But I'm repinning motivationals of failure like a mad woman right now. While I do my duties as the head of my group, of course.

.

I know all that crap about failure is being afraid to try. I was nervous as fuck, and there were a bunch of issues. But I did the best I could in the shoes I was wearing, despite the music being super short, despite the skirt being too long, despite the stage. I knew there would be at least a no. But 3? Meh.

.

After I danced on a tv show I had never even watched, I was humming Love High in the dressing room, putting my stuff away, remembering all the scenes in Dram High when the characters fail in auditions. And then an intern walked in and gave me soom advice, which is what has me thinking till now: "Getting a no is a great opportunity to reflect on what you're doing. Treasure it and use it".

.

I'm still like... wha...?

.

I'm afraid that, as a slow and dislexic learner, I may not internalize or grasp whatever lesson I could learn from yesterday. Yeah, dance in steady shoes. Sure, wear a costume that you're used to. Never forget your flask so that you can have a sip to relax before going on stage. All crutches.

.

I wonder what else I can get out of the experience besides heartache. I'll see if at least I can get some better paying gigs after it airs, in about 20 days. :(

.

I'll go from Love High to listening to this on repeat. I'm ok. Just a bit sad. But still ok.

.

Gotta keep on moving. I did what I could. I came home and stuffed my face and fell asleep early. Woke up before dawn, showered, took the gunk off my face, and am doing what I have to. Sure, the mess around me is overwhelming. To the point I can't deal with it. But I made promises, and I always go above and beyond to keep those.

.

So another moment to breath, and I'll clear some space to sew.

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*I feel... green*

*
No, silly. Not green as in eco-friendly. Green as in unprepared. Green as in full of envy. Green and blue.
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I finished watching Flower Boy Ramyum Shop just now. I'll start watching Dream High 2 to try to sleep. Korean dramas are chaste. And romantic. And make me feel lonelier tonight.
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The Kabaret was a success. I should be enjoying it. But I was in a foul mood last night, and apparantly I still am. I was sweaty, and tired, and I had a drink before applying eyeliner. So I broke my golden rule. And it wouldn't come out straight.
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The performances were fun, to perform and to watch. And extremely erotic since that was the theme for our little Porn Résistance bunker. My brother was there, we had good laughs, and I got lost over and over. And then I performed again. i just don't remember doing so. Ah... alchohol.

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You know how exhausted you are when you fall asleep with half a pastry in your hand. True story.
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And then you wake up, reorganize your thoughts, prepare your workshop, drink a ton of coffee to fight that nasty hangover and go. With war paints on, you just go.
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The Burlesque Sensuality workshop was another success. We had an eager crowd, and I felt they learned something. And they had a ton of fun. I did.
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Maybe I'm just tired. I'll write tomorrow. And study. I wish the boy had come over as he promised to do, but he didn't. I'm a big girl. And I'm keeping strong emotions at an arms length. Like a trooper. Like an Asian. Like a fool.
.
Damn this wishful thinking.
*

Gratitude? Everything went smoothly this weekend. Nuff' said.

*Guess who's back?*

*
I'm no good at keeping to myself. It's sort of like if you push a cork into a kettle's pout... If you shut me up, I'll explode. So here I am. I'd rather be public about my feelings. I'm public about so much else. Specially boobs. My boobs are everywhere.
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hmmmm.
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I'm in a love/hate relationship with myself right now. On so many levels. So I'd rather keep track of things around here so that I can look back and track my progress. And I'll try to add at least one postive note to each post. Just because I'm so over negative people. And I know I'd very easily turn into one.

the bitchyness has been over 9000!

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Enough procrastinating. I've reached the critical point in the day's schedule, so it's time to get stuff together for tonight's gig. And if the pay isn't that good, I'm hoping to have fun and the venue is.
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Mantra: stop complaining about being broke, stop complaining about being broke.
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Show time, folks.
*


Today's gratitude post: I'm glad that even when I'm a bit bloated or above my ideal weight, I still have a lovely tomboyish and classical face.