yesterday I started taking into account how fucked up my trust issues really are. I've been finding it really hard to connect and relate to people, but I hadn't considered that as a factor. Then, bam! Yeah, it's a real thing.
I'll blame the former bestie, she who shall not be named, for this one. After saving my ass last year when my ex threw me out, she snapped and went berserk on me, revealing her own nature. As ugly as that nature is, the shock of seeing her true self was a lot bigger than the fact we are no longer friends. As I've seen around online, I miss the person she used to be.
So I've been having issues with some of the people I'm working with in my burlesque group. Big issues. Trust issues. Issues as in they're painfully rude and say the most hurtful things. And I do take those to heart. I've even been pushing the boy away, half bored, half afraid to commit at all.
And here I was wondering why it seemed I have no friends. Well, hon, you're not letting anyone near you! I'm still feeling a bit awkward around my friends/producers, but I do see them as friends now. I mean, they've been watching over me (and half spoiling me, both of them) since wednesday, and it's not because anyone expects it of them or because they don't have anything better to do. But because they want to.
Well, it takes getting really sick to see who are the people who care for your well being. I should have known. I'll try to be nicer to others from now on as well. Lesson learned.
I just need the taquicardia to go away.
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